Dear Graduates of the Class of 2022: Please accept our (congratulations / apologies) | Frank Cerabino

News item:Palm Beach County high schools seniors will be participating in graduation ceremonies at the South Florida Fairgrounds this week. For the first time in three years, they will look like traditional ceremonies.

Masks are optional, graduates can sit shoulder to shoulder and family members will be allowed to watch in person in the same building and in greater numbers than last year.

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Dear Graduates: 

I can’t tell you how (happy/surprised) I am to be invited to speak at your super (-duper/-spreader) graduation event. 

I confess. I’m a little nervous, which is why I brought my (notes/vaccination records), just in case I (got tongue-tied/started coughing.)

Rest assured. I am fully (prepared/boosted) and bursting with (wisdom/wet wipes ).

The Class of 2022 has (learned/endured) a lot, and now you’re about to apply (that knowledge/those Zoom classes) to the outside world, which is desperately looking for (your brilliant minds/baby formula.)

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A graduation speech with options

What a world! And I’m (happy/sad) to remind you that it will be your world to inherit. Our (gift/mess) for you.

Oh, the places you’ll (go!/go for an abortion!)

Many of you will start college, where you will amass (knowledge/debt) while studying topics (illuminating our world/banned by the DeSantis administration.)

As you may have heard, there have been many promises to (guide you/pay your loans) as you launch your careers. Take these promises (to heart/with a grain of salt ).

(We’re all/Nobody’s) coming to bail you out.  

If you take on six figures worth of loans for a bachelor’s degree in gender studies, (please/don’t) expect us to be there for you when the bills come due.

You’re (our future/on your own), and don’t you forget it.  As a society, we (won’t settle for/are fine with) people in their 60s still paying college loans.

It’s an (outrage/expensive lesson).  

Some of you other graduates out there today will learn a trade, like becoming a (plumber/social media influencer), spending your days (unclogging drains/posting emojis) and keeping all that sewage circulating.

We’re for anything that launches you into a career and the stable middle-class life that follows.

2022 grads find a harsh new world

No matter what you do, one day all your hard work will pay off when you decide it’s time to buy yourself a house. You’ll drive through neighborhoods until you see the modest starter home with a “for sale” sign on the lawn.

And you’ll know it’s just right for you, even though it’s a little small and in desperate need of a new roof and some major structural repairs due to previous termite damage. 

And so you’ll call the real estate agent with an offer. And you’ll be (thrilled/shocked) to see it’s (affordable/priced for more than a million dollars.) 

You’ll want to pinch yourself. Can this (dream home/fixer upper) really be (for me/priced that high)?

And then she’ll tell you (yes/no), because a (a middle class worker like you/a foreign investor) has (a future here/just offered three-hundred-thousand over asking price, sight unseen).

And then you’ll go back to your rented apartment, where you will tell your landlord that you’re not going to live there anymore because (you bought a house/the rent just got jacked up 25 percent).

Take heed of this moment when it arrives. 

For this will be one of those times in life when you will realize just how (lucky/unlucky) you are to be handed the kind of world my generation has left you. And now that there's so many of us, and we're retiring, we're counting on you to take care of us.

(Congratulations./Sorry.)

Now, if you’ll excuse me. I’m going to end here before I get choked up with (emotion/this sore throat that’s coming on).

Frank Cerabino is a columnist at the Palm Beach Post, part of the USA TODAY Florida Network. You can reach him at fcerabino@gannett.com. Help support our journalism. Subscribe today.