Tweaking Kravis Center's COVID-19 safety rules for upcoming season of live shows | Frank Cerabino

The Kravis Center in West Palm Beach issued its COVID-19 safety measures for the upcoming season of live staged performances.

I have a few tweaks. 

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Kravis Center rule: “The Kravis Center is requiring that all staff and volunteers are vaccinated and is implementing specific health and safety compliance standards for all artists and crew.''

Cerabino tweak: The cast of "Cats" will be spayed or neutered prior to the February performances.

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Kravis Center rule: “Fully vaccinated guests have the option of providing documentation of that status instead of providing documentation of a negative COVID-19 test result. Acceptable documentation may be the original vaccination card, a printed copy of the vaccination card, or a digital copy of such card.”

Cerabino tweak: Proof of vaccination for Nicki Minaj’s cousin’s friend from Trinidad or any other patron may not include the visual presentation of one or more swollen testicles.

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Kravis Center rule: “All guests aged 2 and over are required to wear suitable face coverings consistent with CDC guidelines (completely covering nose, mouth and under the chin) while on property except when actively eating or drinking in designated areas.”

Cerabino tweak: Guests who snore during performances will be required to wear two masks.

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Kravis Center rule: If not fully vaccinated, “all guests aged 5 and over are required to present documentation (printed or digital) to event staff before entering the theater of a negative COVID-19 PCR test result conducted within 72 hours prior to the performance, or a negative COVID-19 Antigen test result conducted within 24 hours prior to the scheduled performance start time.”

Cerabino tweak: Patrons who present fake documentation will be subject to prosecution and/or free tickets to "My Fair Lady."

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Kravis Center rule: “‘Full vaccination’ is defined as the completion of final dose at least 14 days prior to the performance date."

Cerabino tweak: “Full delusional” is defined as the completion of a final dose of hydroxychloroquine at least 14 days prior to the ingestion of livestock-deworming ointment.

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Kravis Center rule: “Outside food and drink are not permitted in our facilities.”

Cerabino tweak: However, guests will be permitted to be re-seated after intermission with their monoclonal antibody cocktails.

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Kravis Center rule: “There are many reasons why our guests may be unvaccinated and nothing in this policy requires any guest to provide documentation of vaccination.”

Cerabino tweak: But almost none of those reasons are valid, and you should be ashamed of yourself for bringing your unvaccinated carcass to a crowded venue full of older, more vulnerable audience members. 

So, while we will not risk getting fined by our dangerously reckless and self-serving governor, if you show up unvaccinated, we will reserve the right to move your seat to our new “behind-the-rear-balcony balcony” overlooking Okeechobee Boulevard. 

Binoculars are recommended. Supplemental oxygen not included. 

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Kravis Center rule: “Based on guidance from health authorities, face coverings must completely cover each person’s nose, mouth and chin. Neck gaiters, open-chin triangle bandannas and face coverings containing valves, mesh material or holes are not acceptable alternatives.”

Cerabino tweak: In addition, a patron’s purse or carrying bag must completely cover the nose, mouth and chin of their emotional support chihuahua.

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Kravis Center rule: “Our staff will review the documentation you provide but will not require or retain any duplicates of your documentation.”

Cerabino tweak: We are doing this to prevent you from becoming a victim of Cyber Ninjas auditors, who would examine your documentation to imply through the detection of bamboo fibers that there are serious questions about your settled status as a member of the audience. 

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Kravis Center rule: “We believe that most people are honest. Our staff will be trained to recognize valid documentation, which is one of several layers of health and safety protocols being implemented. Matching photo ID will be required.”

Cerabino tweak: While we are counting on your honesty, we are prepared to punish violators.

If you present false documentation, we reserve the right to either invalidate your ticket or make you stay until the end of the performance, guaranteeing it will take you a half-hour to get out of the parking garage.

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Kravis Center rule: Tickets for “Summer: The Donna Summer Musical” will go on sale on Saturday, Oct. 2.

Cerabino tweak: The tickets will be issued with a disclaimer that the Kravis Center makes no factual representation or guarantee regarding the song, “I Will Survive.”

fcerabino@gannett.com

@FranklyFlorida